The Adventures of Wonton and Crepe Suzette
Celia Chung
Author is in a very boring American Experience 1 class
Observations:
- The teacher is wearing a very hideous blue and white psychedelic tie.
- He is lecturing extremely monotonously.
- Two students are studying for next period's chemistry test.
- Another student is drawing nudes all over the cover of his note book.
- Five other students are asleep.
- The classroom is terribly warm and humid, even though the door is open.
- Outside the door, one can see a blue liftback compact car parked.
- Inside the car sits a masked Seychellian terrorist named Pashu Alphafabahd reading
The Three Musketeers.
- Pashu Alphafabahd gets out of the car, armed with a Rambo water gun filled with
a potent liquid copper nitrate and hydrochloric acid solution.
- He enters the classroom and sprays everyone in the classroom, until the floor is
covered with a molten homo sapiens
mess.
- The El Cerrito Fire and Emergency Departments rush to the rescue, sending four fleets
of ambulances, firetrucks, police cars and SWAT teams.
- But to no avail. Pashu Alphafabahd has escaped. There are no human survivors.
- The ECHS incident would be a front page feature of the San Francisco Chronicle,
the Oakland Tribune, or the San Jose Mercury, except that the staff of those three
newspapers are on strike. Thus, it is only featured on the front page of the National
Enquirer.
- A traumatic crisis now exists at ECHS.
- The sound of crying fills the halls.
- Everyone wears rubber boots to school, now, because they don't want to get algae
all over their Reeboks.
- Drug traffickers are now switching over to the tissue paper trade, and if you buy
ten packets of kleenex at the same time, you are given 10 grams of the finest Columbian
coke free (naturally decaffinated).
- The ECHS school board has summoned the country's leading psychologist, Vachel Savary,
from Yale to help deal with the problem.
- An El Caballero reporter calls at the Gee Springs Hotel to interview the Yale psychologist.
- He knocks on the door of his room. No one answers. Finding the door unlocked, he
enters.
- He observes that the psychologist and Miss Millicent Pinksthwhistle, prostitute,
are in bed. Both are clothesless, but not altogether bedclothesless.
Bell rings for the end of American Experience class. To be continued.
* * * * *
Author is in the very boring American Experience 1 class again the following day
When we last left the scene, an El Cabby reporter named Wonton caught Vachel Savary,
the country's leading psychologist from Yale in bed with Millicent Pinksthwhistle,
the leading local prostitute. Both were clothesless, but scrambling to cover themselves.
Wonton: Coo-ee! (takes his Nikon and fish-eye lens out)
Vachel: Hey, knock it off! (covers his face)
Wonton: (snaps camera) Click!
Vachel leaps out of bed, grabs Millicent's new micro mini neon green sequinned skirt,
puts it on, and lunges after Wonton.
"HIIEAAHHHHHH!!!!!"
John Lennon walks in.
"Peace."
John Lennon walks out.
Vachel chases Wonton out of the room, and down the street.
Our EC reporter leaps into the nearest rickshaw and directs, "To the nearest BART
station!"
Vachel crashes into the seat of the next rickshaw and directs the good fellow to follow
the rickshaw in front.
The chase is close. As Vachel is about to jump into Wonton's rickshaw, Wonton jumps
out and lands in the arms of our heroine, Crepe Suzette.
TILT !!
* * * LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT !! * * *
Then Crepe Suzette slings Wonton over her shoulder like a sack of tapioca flour, and
runs into the nearest yumcha house 7.5 blocks away, and zips pass the maitre'd. Vachel
follows Crepe Suzette all the way, until he is stopped by the maitre'd at the entrance.
" How many persons?"
" One."
" OK. Wait here."
So Vachel waits, and waits. Meanwhile, Crepe Suzette reaches the kitchen where three
assistant chefs are garnishing a dozen Canard Ville Verboten Flambe Moet et Chandon
in Javanese Sambal sauce (Peking Duck Alaska with obscure Indonesian sauce) with
steamed egg tarts. Crepe Suzette puts Wonton down with relief.
"Gee, you're heavy like you weigh one ton!"
"My name IS Ton. Wonton, " he replies a la James Bond. "Will you marry me?"
"Yes."
Under an old Scottish statute, a man and woman who proclaim they are husband and
wife in front of at least two witnesses are then and there legally married.
They break marital bread with bubbly and egg tarts. Meanwhile, Vachel, whom we left
waiting for his seat in the dining area, has to go take a leak (the waits at these
yumcha houses are always so long), and he enters the kitchen by mistake. He sees
the blissfully married couple and starts after them. The new Mr. and Mrs. Wonton take off.
Meanwhile, Millicent has been running around looking for Vachel for payment for services
half rendered AND her new micro mini neon green sequinned skirt. She sees Wonton
and Crepe Suzette running and figures that Vachel must be still after them. She
joins the chase.
Wonton and Crepe Suzette run into a large, dark, steeply sloping concrete cavern.
After a while they find themselves rolling and bouncing around madly like hyperactive
rubber yo-yos and then climb up and out of a stadium of thunderous fanfare. The
World Boomerang Championships held at the Beandome in Lima, Peru (televised to1.7 billion
people) are being opened. There are hordes and masses of people on the stadium floor.
Half of the competing teams are practicing their boomerang throwing. Others are
trying to conduct the opening festivities around the practicers. The place is in a
state of utter confusion and disorganization. A flying practice boomerang narrowly
misses our hero's proboscis. Another one smacks our heroine squarely in the derriere.
Vachel, who has followed them into the Beandome, accidentally steps on a llama's foot.
In return, it spits at him with such force that it knocks him out cold.
Millicent comes upon the senseless Vachel, lifts his wallet and takes her new micro
mini neon green sequinned skirt. As she heads out of the stadium, she is hit in
the lower rear cranium by a beer bottle thrown from a boomerang hooligan who had
meant it for the captain of the Bhutanese team. She was knocked out cold too.
Meanwhile, Crepe Suzette and Wonton have gotten stuck in a group of kids doing a skipping
rope number for the opening. As Crepe Suzette is disentangling herself from the
rope, she sees her friend Sacher Torte in the audience. She waves at her. As she
waves, she sees a bomerang zooming by. Crepe Suzette instinctively catches it. Not
knowing what to do with it, she tosses it to Wonton, who flings it away. It hits
the hand of our old friend Pashu Alphafabahd, the Seychellian terrorist, sans
mask. The Seychellian terrorist was about to shoot ..... Howard Cosell. He was
aiming at Mr. Cosell's toupee. The boomerang hit his hand, and corrected the gun's
target to the central forehead. Surprised, Pashu released the trigger.
"
BANG
" went the gun.
"
DEAD
" went Howard Cosell.
"
YIPEE
" went the crowd.
* * * * *
Pashu was immediately proclaimed a Sports Media Hero. He signed a deal as spokesman
for Corona beer and later became the Minister of Sports and Culture back in Seychelles.
Vachel sued Wonton, but lost the case. He went on to open a chain of llama steakhouses
and became a multi-millionaire.
Millicent continued being a prostitute, until she met and married a professional West
Indian cricket player.
Wonton was proclaimed a Vice Sports Media Hero, and Crepe Suzette was proclaimed a
Vice Sports Media Heroine at the same time as Pashu, and were last seen riding on
a single llama into the Peruvian sunset....
Copyright 1988 by Celia Chung. Unauthorized duplication,
posting, or publication is strictly prohibited.
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